Time

Hey Big Guy.  I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written to you on here, but that’s because it just got too hard.  In fact, writing this is harder.  Harder because I’m forcing myself to document what we’ve been going through at certain anniversaries, and today marks six months since you passed.

You know how they say that time flies when you’re having fun?  Well, these past 6 months feel like 10 years.  It’s been like every day and night is like some sadistic Christmas Eve.  You want the day to be over with so you can go to sleep and checkout for a few hours, but once it’s time to lay down, you can’t sleep and you spend hours staring at the dark.  You finally fall asleep after a few hours, but you’re never really asleep.  Thoughts keep going through your mind/dreams about your loss and when you finally wake up in the morning, you realize that the whole cycle is just starting over.  It’s Groundhog Day, if Groundhog Day was a horror movie.

You always hear people say that time heals all wounds or it gets easier over time.  I don’t know what amount of time they’re talking about, but it isn’t 6 months.  My wounds are fully unhealed and if anything, it’s gotten harder.  It’s not the extra layer of worries I have now, like what happens to your brother when your mom and I are gone, or worrying that your mom has just given up and we’ll have the corner removing her from this house soon.  You know me though; I strive on worry and panic when there’s nothing to worry about.  What’s gotten harder about it is I woke up.  After you passed, I went through a period of disbelief; like it was all a bad dream.  That phase has ended and there’s no avoiding it now.  I know every moment of every day is real and you’re not here.

I find myself missing everything you did, even the things that pissed me off.  I look back on those items now and realize that I was pissed at those items, like all the time and money you spent on helping others all the while putting more pressure on yourself because they are things I would never do, but that wasn’t you.  You always put others before yourself and that makes me sadder.  Not that you wanted to help, but because you’re not here anymore to help those people.  You always thought I was crazy for telling you that you were going to change the world, but to see reactions from people who were close to you is proof that you did.  Sure, they’re only a small part of this world, but the lives you touched have touched others.  You made those people better and in turn, those people made those close to them better.  So on and so forth.  You did so much in so little time, I find myself wondering how much better you would have made the world if you were still here.

We’re trying here Big Guy, but it isn’t easy and time hasn’t helped.  Just know this, we love you and miss you.  I’m just struggling to understand why you had to leave us.  I hope you’re at peace.