Why

Four weeks since you left us Big Guy and I find myself asking “why” a lot.  The most obvious question in my head has been ‘why did you have to go’.  I know I cannot answer it, but I can’t stop thinking it.  Some will say it was part of God’s plan, but you know me, I cannot accept that answer.  Even if I wasn’t an Atheist, I’d have problems with this answer.  Like who the fuck is this God to take my son from us?  All loving my ass.  What the fuck would His justification be for taking someone who was dedicated to helping others?  Are the hospitals in Heaven so full that He needed another nurse?  I’ll never get the answer to this question and I fear it is going to have a negative impact on our family.

Why did I push you so hard?  I wanted you to succeed, but at what cost?  We spent so much time at each other’s throats from the time you were 8 until after you graduated high school.  Your mom will say it was because we were so much alike in that aspect (she means stubborn), but when I look back, I feel that I was the instigator.  You’d bring home a test that you scored a 99 on and instead of telling you ‘great job’, I’d ask why you didn’t get a 100.  Hit a double in little league, and I’d ask why you didn’t try to stretch it into a triple.  I was proud of everything you did, but worried that if I showed that emotion, you wouldn’t try as hard next time.  I should have realized that you were pushing yourself harder than I could have ever done.  You didn’t need my help in that area and I should have just been ‘dad’.

Why didn’t I push you harder?  After that concert at your high school, I realized how much you loved singing.  The joy and happiness on your face once the mic was free made me happy.  I thought for sure that was going to be your path after high school; we even had conversations about you going to Juilliard.  When you told me that you decided to become a nurse, I was a bit disappointed but I realized you were making the logical choice for your future.  You knew that the odds of you breaking into the music world and making enough money to live on were slim, so you chose a profession that was going to let you live the life you wanted.  I feel you went this route because of me, the way I harped on you over the years about your future.  Looking back, I wish I would have pushed you away from that decision and into the arts.  Juilliard may have been a pipe dream, but I do remember your music teacher in high school talking up the music program at Buff State.  Would you have become a star?  I don’t know, but I do know you would have been happy singing in front of 10 people in a bar even if it meant living at home because you weren’t making enough money.  I would have come to see you sing every time.

Why didn’t I take more interest in the things you liked?  You would always try to show me things you liked, but I would never give them a chance.  The old man in me just assumed that everything you liked was ‘young whippersnapper crap and you kids should get off my lawn’ and dismissed it from the get-go.  Like that time you tried to get me into that Castlevania show.  I watched a few episodes with you just because you wouldn’t stop bugging me about it, but I never gave it a chance.  I judged it as ‘stupid’ before I saw the opening credits.  I know that you understood I didn’t like change and was never very receptive to new things, but you deserved better than that from me.  I never gave the music you liked a chance, but after your giddy reaction to me saying that chick in Bad Times at the El Royale (it was Cynthia Erivo) could sing, I realized that was important to you.  I should have given your music more of a chance instead of treating it as something I heard just because I happened to watch a random movie one weekend.

Why didn’t I see how working at ECMC was having such a negative effect on you?  I’ve learned this past 4 weeks that you were good at hiding the negative things in your life, but I should have seen it.  To be honest, I kind of checked out of that part of your life.  I knew that job was only a means to an end when it came to your career, so I just didn’t pay attention to your work life.  I wish I had been more of a dad to you growing up that you would have felt comfortable coming to me to talk about it.  I truly believe you were suffering from some form of PTSD after all the crap you saw in that hospital.  It took two years, but like every other time, you pulled yourself up and got back on track, but you shouldn’t have had to go through it at all, especially not alone.

Why you and not me?  I’m the one with more medical issues than you can shake a stick at and you were a healthy 25yo with no medical issues, so why you and not me?  I know your brothers and mother would rather that neither of us died, but it they had to choose, I would be the logical choice.  Pushing 60, nasty auto-immune disease, asthma, decades of being overweight…Hell, nobody would have asked why if it was me.  Your mom and brothers would have been sad, but y’all would have been able to move on far faster than I will move on from losing you; hint, I never will.  You could have gotten the mansion with the secret passageway behind the bookcase for you mom with my life insurance money.

I miss you Connor.  Everyday, I miss you.