Regrets

It’s been three weeks since you’ve passed and I’ve spent a lot of that time thinking about things that could have been; should have been.  I know I was hard on you growing up and I like to justify it by saying that I saw the potential in you so I had to push you.  While that is my reason, I regret it now because there was so much friction between us from the time you were 8 years old up until about a year before you passed.  When I look back, I think you were destined to succeed no matter how much or little I pushed you and I wish I spent that time with you; doing things you liked.

It’s funny though, because I do regret not pushing you more when you graduated from high school.  I could see how happy you were with the singing and acting, and I really thought you should have taken that path.  I backed off though because my logical brain kicked in and said, being a nurse will ensure he always has a future.  I didn’t realize how much you’d end up hating that profession.  You were always asking what I liked about your voice and I think what I liked was how happy you were no matter what your voice sounded like.  Would you have been the next big pop star or big screen sensation?  Probably not, but that was never what made you happy.

I regret ever bringing those pills into this house and I regret not pushing you more to get help.  You kept telling me that I would see the signs of addiction and I would drop it because I was afraid that pushing you would have made you rebel.  I saw the signs.  After growing up with an alcoholic father, the signs were easy to spot.  I knew I was right, but was afraid to negatively impact our relationship now that we were getting along so well.  I should have pushed until  you hated me; at least you’d be here to hate me.

There are so many things over the years that I regret, but the one that sticks with me the most is that I cannot remember the last time I told you that I loved you.  I talked to your mom about this and she told me about a conversation you had with her about this and that you knew I loved you because of my actions and you knew that I didn’t express feelings like that with anyone.  Doesn’t help; I should have told you daily.  I don’t think there’s anyone out there who would think I didn’t love you because of how often I talked about you.  Connor, I was so proud of you, but you know that because I told you all the time and I hope you knew that I loved you even though I rarely told you.

There’s a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled.